Do I have a problem with family violence?

 

 

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What is family violence?

1. when the power balance between family members becomes firmly fixed in favour of one person over others

as a consequence of

2. any controlling behaviour by one person in the family that results in
• physical hurt
• fear of harm
• the inability for adults to take part equally
• loss of control
• the inability to access resources (like money or information) and/or
• the inability to make free choices about who to see, where to go, what to do etc.

Family violence can occur between spouses, partners, parents and children, siblings and in other relationships where people are not part of the physical household but are seen as part of the family and/ or are fulfilling the role of family.

To help find out if you have a problem ask yourself the following questions…

• Do you need to be the one in control in your family? Are you the one who is always ‘the boss’?
• Is the relationship between you and your partner (and/or other family members) a ‘power OVER’  relationship rather than a ‘power WITH’ relationship?
• Do you use, or have you used, any threatening or violent behaviour towards your partner and/or other family members (see the list below if you are not sure what this means)?
• Is your family suffering because of your behaviour?
• Are you unwilling to accept responsibility for what you do?

Examples of this are….

You DENY your behaviour

(‘I wasn't violent/abusive/controlling’)

You MINIMISE your behaviour

(‘I only pushed her’)

You JUSTIFY and EXCUSE your behaviour

(‘If she stopped nagging me I wouldn't have hit her’; ‘I'm the head of the house and my children should obey me’)

You BLAME others for your behaviour

(‘They make me so mad’; ‘I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment’; ‘I can’t help it, I just see red’)

Examples of violent behaviour:

• Engaging in physical and/or sexual assault, eg grabbing, pushing, slapping, punching, indecent assault, rape.
• Making threats to harm the other person (or people they care about), eg, yelling, screaming, punching walls, throwing heavy objects, standing over another person, preventing someone from leaving, making actual threats.
• Engaging in emotional and psychological abuse, eg name calling, belittling remarks, put downs, continuous criticism, ridicule, threatening to harm yourself if they don’t do what you want, ignoring (the ‘silent treatment’).
• Restricting another person’s actions, eg going everywhere with them, questioning them about where they go and what they do, checking up on them, following them (stalking), isolating them from family and friends.
• Preventing another person from making choices, eg making most of the decisions, expecting them to ask permission for normal activities, controlling household finances.

How those behaviours harm the person you are being violent to…

• They are physically, emotionally and/or psychologically damaged.
• They feel unsafe around you, and are afraid of your anger or violence.
• They are on edge all the time - feeling unable to express themselves freely and honestly.
• They lose affection and respect for you.
• There is no trust in the relationship.
• They become withdrawn and guarded when you are around or they might provoke arguments because they are frightened and want to be able to predict when the violence will happen.
• They feel and act unsure of themselves; self-esteem as well as dreams and hopes are lost.
• They give in to you, do things that they don’t want to do or may think is wrong and/or they allow you to make all the decisions.
• They become depressed and anxious.
• They feel resentful.

How those behaviours harm you…

• You lose self-respect;
  only a weak man needs to bully others
• You lose the tenderness and fun in your relationship – even the good times are coloured with fear and worry for the person you are hurting.
• You forget what you enjoyed about each other.
• You’ve lost respect for the person or people you are hurting.
• If you are keeping your violence a secret from people you do still respect, then all your relationships are tainted and lies come too easily. The risk of the whole thing coming crashing down is pretty high.
• You may be arrested, be charged by the police and become identified as a criminal; remember that assault is illegal. This will impact on every area of your life.
• You may lose your relationship and/or be prevented from seeing your children or your children may grow to dislike you and may even not want to see you.

That kind of hurt can last you a lifetime.

SEEK HELP NOW
You can talk confidentially to
 Mensline Australia on 1300 789 978, or
search Family Relationships Online for professionals that can help in your area.

 

adapted with permission from the original document by Terry Melvin
 #101 Copyright © Mensline Australia 2004.